photo by Larisa
It rained all day on May 14th. I didn’t take a single picture for the entire day. But I’m glad Larisa captured this last moment Finn had with his Grandpa, checking to see how heavy his ashes were. The two of them shared a birthday and were two peas in a pod. I will never forget how much fun it was to watch them playing together.
I chose to bury Tim’s ashes in Elm Grove Cemetery because it is located in the county where we lived for 47 years of our marriage, and because the plot was purchased by my 2nd-great-grandfather, who lies buried there with his own parents and great-grandparents and other relations. They all also lived in southeastern Connecticut, and there is still room there to bury ashes, so it seemed like a good choice. Tim & I took many walks in this beautiful cemetery, which sits on the banks of the Mystic River, just north of Mystic Seaport.
We may fear change or we may embrace it, but the planets turn, life goes on, the Great Cycles continue. These cycles move Nature and our lives through death and rebirth, through containment and release, through holding and letting go. The seed pod tightens and hardens around its precious cargo, then it breaks and releases the new life into the waiting earth.
~ Philip Carr-Gomm
(Inspiration for Life, May 25, 2026)
Later in the day we all drove up to Wolf Rock in Mansfield, our northeastern Connecticut hometown, to scatter some of Tim’s ashes along with the remaining ashes he had kept of his brother, Toby. Still raining, it was a quarter-mile hike up very rocky and very muddy terrain through the woods to the glacial erratic where Tim and his brothers used to hang out as teens. Tim and Josh scattered some of Toby’s ashes here in December 2013, but now Dan, Matt and Jed had a chance to be here to scatter the rest of them.
The next day, on May 15th, we held an afternoon celebration of life at the Zbierski House at “our” little city beach. Besides the family, we were now joined by old friends and neighbors and lots of Tim’s buddies from the ham radio clubs he belonged to. It was wonderful. I had spent weeks working on a slide show of Tim’s life which was playing on a TV continuously and started many pleasant conversations and quite a few trips down memory lane…
Below is one of my favorite pictures, taken before the first heart attack and the battle with heart disease began. The fun, empty nest, middle-aged period of our lives. He was 51 and only just beginning to go gray…
I feel more settled now that Tim’s ashes have been returned to the earth and that his family got to be together to say good-bye. The trip was grueling for me physically but somehow I made it and the emotional healing was worth the effort. I’m still incredibly sad and lonely for him but am learning how to carry the grief. How to take walks without him pointing things out to me…
I think my last hurdle will be resuming family history research. It’s going to be hard not having him in the next room, doing ham radio stuff, but always ready to drop everything when I came in to share new discoveries with him. I still have those last three boxes to go through… And several other projects waiting in line…
Seems like a very beautiful send-off for Tim’s remains, surrounded by loved ones. I can imagine it was tough in different stages. Hope the tide of love continues to support your healing. 💕
The hardest part was at the cemetery, reading a 3-paragraph eulogy I wrote, hands shaking and tears welling up. But I felt the tide of love you mention and got through it. 🙏 💙
Barbara, I don’t doubt for a moment it was difficult for you, physically and emotionally, but having the love of your family, seeing those faces and places you both cherished, helped make you stronger after this journey back home. I am sure it was difficult as well since six months plus time has passed since Tim passed away. A little healing had begun, only to stir up more sadness again. I would not have recognized Tim in this 2004 photo versus the more-recent photos taken on your jaunts, although he was often wearing a hat. I like the background of that photo, all pertaining to the water. I’m glad you got to gather with everyone and it was meaningful to all.
That picture startled me when I first saw it because it seemed to have come from another world, long disappeared. It was a very happy time period in our lives, and I had just painted and redecorated the kitchen breakfast nook with all my favorite shades of blue, all by myself. We were traveling, going to concerts and plays, and enjoying our empty-nest status. All our major health problems had not yet surfaced. Life gets more challenging when you have to cope with chronic illnesses but we kept adapting to our changing realities. Hopefully I can adapt to living without him now, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face. 🙏 💙
Sadly the very happiest period of your lives was short-lived due to health problems. At least you both coped with your new-normal health-wise and, after your move to North Carolina, you both continued to adapt to enjoy walks, outings with the grandchildren and more. Even though I never married, I can understand the devastation of losing your soul mate and being alone after being together for over a half-century. So many married couples do not mesh like you and Tim did and these days it’s one argument and they’re going separate ways. I was never lucky enough to meet someone to share my life with, so consider yourself blessed in that regard Barbara.
They do say loss is the price we pay for love. And that other saying, don’t be sad because it’s over, be happy that it happened. I was indeed very lucky to be loved by Tim.
Yes, that is very true. It is true for pets as well. Many people say to me that you are a good candidate for a pet as you’re alone, it’s a wonderful companion, you can dedicate a lot of time and lavish love and attention on a pet, but I cannot bear the grief of losing a pet. I’ve lost two birds since I’ve been alone and won’t go through that heartache again.
My father used to feel the same way you do, and told us that when we suggested he get another cat to keep him company after my mother died. I get it. 💙
Even though their companionship is wonderful, you are just asking for heartache down the road. Yes, your father had family, but he was living alone and already lost one loved one.
I’m so glad you had this wonderful trip and celebration of Tim’s life. I hope it helps to bring you peace.
Thank you, Karma. The trip did bring me a deep sense of peace. I felt like I was bringing him home.