Death leaves Us homesick, who behind,
Except that it is gone
Are ignorant of it’s Concern
As if it were not born.
Through all their former Places, we
Like Individuals go
Who something lost, the seeking for
Is all that’s left them, now —
~ Emily Dickinson
(The Poems of Emily Dickinson, #1066)
It is often said that grief comes in waves, and I would add that some of those surges are more intense than others. On September 12th I finally made it up to Connecticut to the cemetery to see installed the flat granite grave marker I designed and ordered for Tim and me. Traveling with chronic radiation proctitis isn’t a pleasant experience, to say the least, but I felt compelled to make an effort to see for myself our final resting place.
Elm Grove Cemetery is an exceptionally beautiful cemetery running along the Mystic River, and the view from our ancestral plot is lovely. It was established in 1853, and my 2nd-great-grandfather, William Martin White (1836-1925), purchased a large plot for his family. He had buried there his former father-in-law and mother-in-law, Robinson & Lydia Hill; his own parents, Austin & Lucy Ann (Thompson) White; his grandparents, Oliver & Lydia White; and his 16-year-old son, James Courtland White, who died from a gunshot wound. William lies buried there with his second wife, Martha Bennett. We don’t know where his first wife, Ellen Hill, my 2nd-great-grandmother, is buried, or whatever happened to her after they were divorced in 1876. When Larisa inquired she learned there was still space enough to bury our ashes there, too, since I am a direct descendant, and could prove it. Tim & I spent most of our married life nearby and so this seemed like the perfect place for us to end up.
Part of the rural cemetery movement, of the mid-nineteenth century, Elm Grove represents the Victorian approach to eternal rest in a park setting of rolling hills, brooks, and trees, showcasing ornate sepulchers decorated with flowers, willow trees, crowns, and trumpeting figures.
~ Elm Grove Cemetery Association webpage
It was a bittersweet day, as so many wonderful things happened but of course, I deeply missed having Tim to share them with. My son and daughter-in-law, Nate & Shea, had driven me up and after we visited the cemetery we met my sister and brother-in-law, Beverly & John, at an old favorite family seafood shack, Dad’s Restaurant, in Niantic. To our surprise, it had been beautifully renovated in our absence! The new deck for eating outside was higher than the old one, so we could see over the elevated railroad tracks out over Long Island Sound. Did I mention the weather was perfect that day? And they have the best fish and chips in the world, in my opinion, and I enjoyed every morsel.
After our lunch Nate took Shea to visit her relatives while Beverly, John, and I took a long nature walk through a marsh and up and down the beach it led to. Later, we wound up at Eastern Point Beach, “our beach,” and sat for a couple of hours on the bench where Tim & I used to spend our summer evenings. I went wild taking pictures of the gulls. (450 pictures on the camera for the one day!) The day already feels like a distant sweet dream now. I hope to write two more posts with pictures of these two adventures soon.
I chose the Dickinson poem above because I think she used the word homesick aptly to describe what grief can feel like. But the home we yearn for, our person, is gone, missing as if he never existed. And I could identify with the second stanza, feeling lost, as I visited some of the former places we so often used to be at together. I think I will never stop seeking Tim. Last night in line at the grocery store I was overcome with a strong urge to turn to him and rest my head on his shoulder, as I often did, and to receive a comforting hug. (Grocery shopping has ever been exhausting for me.) I never know when another wave will sweep over me. But I’m glad I went and have found some peace from being there.
You write so beautifully Barbara. I’m weeping with you. Wish I lived closer and could go for a walk with you. Much love
Thank you, Rosie. I know you have felt the weight of intense grief, too, and know it well. I love the idea of taking a nice long walk with you. We never know what future possibilities may lie ahead… 💙
Such a mix of joy and sadness, gratitude and emptiness. You express your loss in way that each of us can feel and understand. My heart goes out to you, Barbara. 💔 🙏🏼 ❤️🩹
Thank you, Eliza. I noticed how you linked gratitude and emptiness which got me thinking. When we embrace both it is an effective antidote to the toxic positivity mindset. 💙
I’m glad you were able to make the trip to see your final resting place Barbara, as sobering as that thought might be. You picked a perfect Emily Dickinson poem and I like how you designed the gravestone. While I looked at the gravestone, before reading that you had designed it, I thought “well that’s perfect … a dragonfly for Barbara’s name and a turtle for Tim, just like you two might have seen on one of your many nature walks.” I’m glad you have such beloved family members to accompany you on this journey. It sounds like a nice memory and sorting through the 450 gull pictures will bring back the special memories of your stay there.
Thank you, Linda. Most of those pictures are duds but I think I got a few I will use. 🙂 Years ago when we took up letterboxing Tim chose a turtle for his stamp and I chose a dragonfly. I continued to use my stamp to make my blue dragonfly avatar when I started blogging. Tim had quite a collection of turtles figurines and coffee cups. One year he had a beautiful large plate crafted by an artist with a turtle and dragonfly flying above it, under a gently sweeping tree branch, all in blue on a white background, and gave it to me for our anniversary. One of my most cherished possessions so I was happy to know I could have a turtle and a dragonfly carved into our stone. 💙
Well, even if you salvage enough gulls for a post or two you will be happy. I used to feel that way with squirrel shots, happy I had a lot of poses of squirrels for a post, then I’d see missing snouts, or tails on the screen. 🙂
I have never heard of letterboxing Barbara, so I learned something new today. I researched a little. That sounds like a lot of fun – do you feel it is similar to the painted rock craze that was so popular about a decade ago? How unique this gravestone is then to incorporate both your personal favorites. Tim was thoughtful to give you that anniversary plate – no wonder you cherish it so much. Perhaps next month, on the anniversary of Tim’s passing, you could share a photo of that plate and its history if you feel up to it. 💙
I had to do some research to learn about the painted rock craze. I think what may be a little different is that we didn’t have social networking then to post online pictures of what we found when letterboxing. We stamped our notebooks with the stamp we found in the waterproof box and then put our stamps in the notebook in the box. Pre-social media! It was fun looking at the stamps others had left.
I like your idea of taking a picture of the anniversary plate to share on the anniversary of his death. Thank you. I will try to make it happen. 💙
Yes, that makes sense … this was before social media, so what a great way for people to share their experience at that spot. Social media is great, but with letterboxing you found another means to share the joy.
I am glad I suggested sharing the photo of the anniversary plate on Tim’s death anniversary date … it is a meaningful way to remember him.
I wonder if there might be any letterboxing still going on down here – it would be fun to do with Katie and Finn. But it seems geocaching has taken over where letterboxing left off. 🙁
Barbara, I guess I need to be more in tune with these outdoor activities because I have heard the word geocaching before, but I never knew what it was and, when I Googled to research it, I found a site from 2018, so I guess it is nothing new. I think that either letterboxing or geocaching would be a fun activity for you to do with the grandkids. I remember how Katie enjoyed nature and now that Finn is older, I’m sure he will or already does too.
I certainly resonate with your statement: “I think I will never stop seeking Tim.” This brings immediately my own loss of my dear husband…….
Thank you for sharing your feelings of loss with me, Barbara. It is so comforting to know I’m not alone in this grief. (((hugs))) 💙
I have been watching the lightning bugs the past couple of evenings on the porch after the hummingbirds of course!
You designed a beautiful headstone for the two of you. That must have been a deep bittersweet experience. I understand the dragon fly for you but what is this about a turtle for Tim?
That was so kind of your son and daughter-in-law to drive all that way to pick you up and drive such a great distance. You were brave with the digestive disease! You all made it! And what a bitter sweet experience for you all!
I’m much better about grieving Yorkie. And although this will never replace a doggo for me, I did add two wonderful male parakeets that Americans call budgies. They have have brought so much humor, happiness and interest back into my home. It’s hard to believe. I’ve named them Freddie for “Ready Freddie” to step up into my finger and Frankie after Frank Sinatra because he sings long melodies! I am surprised how easy care, low cost, and not stinky these two birds are for me. I took a huge change! Oh my gosh, I can hardly believe it but I did this insane thing and it is bringing me laughter and fun!
My most memorable lightning bug memory happened in West Virginia one night on my cousin’s farm. My sister woke me up because she couldn’t sleep and looked out her upstairs guest room window and saw thousands of them lighting up in the fields and nearby woods. We lay on her bed with our feet where our heads should be and watched them for what seemed like hours. It was an amazing sight. I’m glad you’re getting a chance to see them.
Thank you, Teri. It was such a meaningful experience to be the one taking care to make our final resting spot feel like the right place with our personalities well expressed. As I’ve found much so much peace and connection visiting the graves of my ancestors I wanted to leave the possibility of having that experience there for my descendants.
Turtles were Tim’s favorite animal. He collected many figurines and coffee cups with turtles on them. He was very steady and down-to-earth, and I was the dreamy dragonfly, flitting from one thing to another, searching for something, throughout my life. Tim was my rock, my anchor.
I’m sure you will always miss Yorkie but I’m glad you’re finding some comfort in the companionship of Freddie and Frankie. They sound like very charming buddies to share their friendship with you. Enjoy the laughter and fun they are bringing into your life!
Great lightening bug story! No wonder you believe in fairies!
It is interesting what people choose to do when they are able to make preparations at end of life rather than someone else making decisions because nothing had been done. I think Tim would be pleased with your choices. It is truly well thought out and lovely.
I never knew Tim was a turtle person. I am too. I collect broaches and jewelry of turtles, but dogs will always be my favorite animal no doubt.
I can visualize You being a dragonfly landing on Tim being your Rock! I’m wondering what is the something that you search for, throughout your life? Do you know? My mother said to me “I hope you find what you are searching for.” And I really didn’t know that I was actually searching for anything!
Of course I miss all my seven dogs! I was sure about adding indoor birds to my home, the smell, the allergies, the mess to clean, costs of it all. Yet here I am 12 days with two male parakeet toddlers! I’m very surprised with how much fun I am having and not dealing with the blasted heat outside. ❤️💜💙
I was searching for answers to those existential questions – what is the meaning of life, etc. – which I finally realized, after many decades of searching, have no definitive, final answer. I’ve accepted that, but now often wonder why so many of us are compelled to look for answers to those questions. 💙
Happy First Day of Autumn, Barbara! I think your favorite time of year!! Did you do something for yourself to make this day special?
While I was grocery shopping early this morning on a whim I purchased myself Autumn color carnations for my living space. The carnations are lovely yellow interior with burnt orange on the edges. I remembered that you said one of your favorites are carnations over roses And Tim would often buy carnations for you. Ha! I decided to treat myself on this first day of Autumn!🍂
Thank you, Teri! Today it is starting to feel like autumn, only two days ago it was still in the 90s. Today it is in the 60s and drizzling all day. I love it! I’m working on my special autumn puzzle, which is how I’ve chosen to celebrate the equinoxes and solstices by myself. I also pulled out my autumn decorations. These days I am fond of dried flowers that I don’t have to water. The older I get the less I feel like fussing over things. Enjoy your carnations – they sound lovely! Happy Autumn! 🍂
Not sure I have anything to add to the other comments. This is so beautiful written, both sweet and sad and everything in between. Hugs and love to you, Barbara.
Thank you so much for your kind words and hugs and love, Robin. I appreciate the sympathy you offered very much. 💙
It seems so silly and/or not enough to say: Thanks for sharing. However, I DO mean it. I haven’t been visiting WordPress again for a long while. I am reading at least back to September 1 blog posts, doing that seems like walking with you it’s neat.
I’m happy you stopped by, Elisa, and I appreciate your kind thoughts. I haven’t been taking any walks this summer with all the oppressive heat waves and humidity keeping me inside, ever grateful for air conditioning. It was treat going up north for a break from it all.